High school candle caper

I'm having a shit ton of dreams lately. This could be because I'm sleeping in shifts now that I'm going to the gym late at night. First round of sleep comes between 3 a.m. and 8. Second round comes after I've gotten up, fed my whiny-ass cats, checked my e-mail, farted around, and then gone back to sleep from 9:30 to 12:30.

Today's naptime dream featured me and everyone I ever went to high school with plus everyone I work with now (roughly), at work — only it's a hugely expanded version of work. I've got two candles lit: a little Glade Scented Oil candle that I fancy in real life, and a little cinnamon tea light. I blow them both out before realizing that doing so is going to set off the sprinklers.

So I grab just the tea light and try to cup my hand over it and rush it to the bathroom, where I figure I can extinguish some of the smoke under the tap. It works, sort of, but the damage has already been done. Plus I left that other candle smoking on my desk. D'oh.

I return to the newsroom to see that the sprinklers have, in fact, been triggered, although the alarm's not going off. People are trudging away from their desks and evacuating the room. I notice that most people are in their Sunday best. This makes me feel really bad. I'm no doubt ruining a lot of nice clothes.

I feel embarrassed that I made such an obvious blunder — the candles were contraband for this reason — and can't decide if I should just shuffle out with everyone else and pretend to not know what's going on, or if I should make sure everyone knows I did it and I'm sorry. I go with the latter, figuring it's more honest.

We evacuate to some sort of large auditorium where some kind of elaborate kindergarten pageant is going on. The kids and adults on stage are wearing ridiculously fancy sequined getups with huge headdresses. Their show fades into the background as people I went to high school with fill up the auditorium steps around me (no seats, just curved steps).

Cary Duncan (whom I've not seen or spoken to in years) comes up to me with a baseball cap turned backward on his head and a stupid nerdy fratboy swagger in his step, his posse surrounding him, chuckling. I am clearly the butt of a joke. He asks me to sign this big swatch of cardboard that says something about labor (as in work, not baby labor). I can see that others have signed this thing a la a yearbook. I circle one of the big words in the phrase and draw an arrow out to the place where I'll make my signature. I write something snarky and sign my name. Except I misspell my last name and have to scribble it out and try again. I'm slightly humiliated, and I want to kick Cary in his teeth.

(I blame Cary's appearance in this dream and, hell, the entire high school scenario on the fact that the last song I listened to before I fell asleep was a Weezer song off of Pinkerton.)

I see police officers working their way through the crowd now. I suspect they're looking for the perps of the great office sprinkler caper. I decide to 'fess up. I find an officer and see that she is confiscating everyone's candles — big, fancy expensive ones among them — and I feel horrible. Candles aren't cheap. "Are you going to give them back?" I ask. She says no. Instantly I know some people are probably very pissed at me.

I follow another officer — another girl I went to high school with, except she looks nothing like I remember, and her hair is pink and silver like Jem's, but short and in a bob — into a long, spiraling staircase that you might see in a castle ... if it had a dungeon. Luckily, the officer tells me to sit on the stairs. She's holding a baby, and tells me she's keeping it for someone, and asks if I can hang on to her for a while. I oblige, and sit there holding this big baby on these steep stairs, thinking how unsafe that is.

(I think I dreamed of a baby because just before falling back asleep, I looked at some pictures of me and LP with Luke.)

I look at the baby's face and see drool pooling on his/her chin. In it I can see the spiderweb pattern of my black Nightmare Before Christmas pillowcase. And then I'm awake.

That Jerk-Off Employee

I'm in an English class, and loving it, when the teacher says we're running out of time and has written each of our names on the board and has told me personally to come up for the assignment for the paper. I'm so excited I can't stand it. A paper to write! As soon as the others begin to file out the door, I dart up front and ask her. Then she tells me that I'm not in her English class any more. Then she becomes Cary Duncan and he tells me that he's not sure where my new English class is, but it can't be that one.

Then I'm in another class and I'm reading a newspaper. But we're all reclined on cluttered sofas that face each other. I am snuggled with a male that I am lusting after (Ken?). But his girlfriend is sitting across from us, staring at us evenly, trying to assess the situation. I don't care, and nestle into the crook of his neck. He nestles against me. We share the newspaper. I am ecstatic to be in his arms. But then, eventually, he gets self conscious and pulls away from me.

I wander through a parking lot, looking for somewhere to ditch my parka. I find a minivan whose hatch is unlocked. I open it and something falls out. I replace what fell and toss my parka into the mess. I throw my keys into the back, take off my shirt, and wander through the parking lot in my tank top. I wander back to my dorm room with an armful of stuff, and when I walk in there's a guy in the bed across from mine. "What are you doing?!" I ask him, seeing clearly what he's doing and that he's my employee Jason, and he replies, "Buttering the bread!" (He's masturbating.) "IS this my room?" I ask, to which he replies, "If you let me finish it is!" I wander through the hallway with my things.

I realize that I threw my keys into that minivan, and if I lose the parka it's fine, but if I lose my keys I can't drive and I'm screwed. I find the minivan and open the hatch. I can't seem to find my keys. I'm rooting around when the family who owns it catches me. They know me, and I realize that the driver is a combination of Dan and Jeff. Dan/Jeff berates me and strips me of my possessions. He puts me out of the van without shoes and tells me to walk to wherever I'm going. It's suddenly night and raining. I find a shelter and suddenly have a magazine to read. The magazine turns out to be the print edition of my dream. I rifle through, amazed at the photographs of what's been happening to me. I read updates and realize that Jason has left my room. I flip to the beginning and there's a bunch of ads for dating. There's a big picture of two guys having sex. I wonder how I missed that part in the dream.

I have created a new blog and it pleases me greatly.