Dream or past life?

Voices clatter and clammer in my head.

They tell me to do various things. One time, I shoved a zebra ornament up my vagina. Friends always tell me, "Edith, you're one crazy Victorian bitch." I usually respond by flinging pickled cabbage in their faces.

"Improper," they say. "Edith Fitzgerald is an improper Victorian lady!" Hogwash. Absolute hogwash. At least, I know I'm alive.

Occasionally, I'll run around downtown Dublin in my knickers. The town constable furrowed his brow and talked about indecency and moralistic jibberjabber.

Granted, I'm not the most popular Victorian-era woman on the block. Mrs. Reingald doesn't invite me to her prim-and-proper tea parties with her sophisticated dollies, chintzy china and half-baked crumpets. Whenever she sees me on the street, she turns up her nose. Hmpfh. Hmpfh.

What Mrs. Reingald doesn't know is that I urinated on her hydrangeas one October morning after drinking a pot of fresh cider.

Dreamy Indiscretion

I am drinking with a guy friend of mine at a party, and he and I end up being the last people up. (This would never happen. This entire dream would never happen. He and I just would...NEVER.) We are continuing to drink and laughing about how it's always us that stays up, you know, because we really want it (I think "it" was referring to having the ultimate party experience or getting really intoxicated). We went out on the balcony and looked down at the rainy night. The bottom balconies were halfway underground, and they had filled to the brim with rainwater. Our neighbor-lady's balcony flowers were drowned in six feet of crystal clear water. The orange street lamps reflected on its still surface. Guy Friend and I sat there and he made some remark about how she was hard to handle and that the rain water'd better brace itself. Then there is some commotion and we are being chased through stairwells. Then we are back in an apartment and we are pouring beers with the same care one would use to defuse a bomb. We are laughing about our skill. We share a laugh and Guy Friend leans over and wraps his arms around me and we laugh more. I can tell he is moving his face closer to mine, and I am suddenly all for it. But we are frozen, clamped to one another in an embrace, and our breath is in each other's face and our lips are barely apart...but we still just embrace. And then I touch his lips lightly and we are back to beer business. But then he moves over and sits by me and puts his arm around me and then we really kiss. And then we start to undress each other amid laughing banter and beer drinking. For some totally inexplicable reason, I notice that he is uncircumcised. We are in full embrace and I wake up.

Totally weird! Never in a million years would this happen or would I want it to, but in the dream I was all like, "Yeah, okay, I'm all right with this!" Ugh.