Man Lover and Man Hater

Mom, Brooke, and I lived in a communal apartment with 15 other people. I was trying to photograph everything when a young kid grabbed my camera and dropped it. "What the fuck?!" I screamed in his face, and he lurched back in fear. Then Ken moved in, and kept leaving to get food on his crotch rocket. I had a romantic epiphany with some dude, who said that we had been smitten with one another for five years, and we locked each other in a passionate kiss. Then Mom was driving a truck, Brooke was in the passenger seat, and I was holding on for dear life in the back. I could barely hold on while Mom flew around corners and squealed her tires. My foot flew out of the truck and hit a sign, ripping my boot to shreds. Finally stopped, I held out my boot and started bitching, when the truck began to move again. Mom and Brooke were down the sidewalk. "Wait, who's driving?" I screamed. The truck began to pick up speed down a hill. Mom jerked, as if remembering something, and said, "Oh!!!" The driver's door slammed shut on an empty cab and I yelled, "Mom!!!" It weaved down a hill, and I held on, bracing for impact, until I saw flashbars from a cop car. I leapt out of the back behind some bushes, knowing that if the cop saw me in the back he'd arrest Mom. I hid there until he passed and followed the empty truck.

Then I dreamt that Lindsey and I got married, which is - I'm sure - a direct result of viewing Michi and Dezarhea's wedding pictures right before bed. We were sitting on a windowsill outside, talking jadedly about something, when LT offered me a ring. She said she had given up, and wanted me to give up, too. I said, "Why not? Nothing's ever going to work, anyway!" It felt more like we were initiating each other into a man-hater's club than actually marrying one another. So wedding plans started, and long, twisting versions of her parents' and my parents' houses became the backdrop. I picked out my wedding garb, and she hers. Hers was brown and pink. I said, "Oh, that will look pretty!" I can't remember what mine looked like. I recall having to ride a bicycle for a great distance, and that was my sole form of transportation. Her Mom was very sweet and understanding, but her Dad kept shaking his head and refusing to speak to us. I knew Mom and Dad supported us, but that they'd be late and miss the ceremony (they got there in the nick of time, even after stopping off to play billiards). The ceremony began, and I realized that we hadn't rehearsed anything! Who was supposed to be where? Which side did I stand on? Who walked down the aisle? Who waited at the altar? What music would play? Certainly not the fucking wedding march! We blundered up and down the aisle, and when I started to drag my train I realized that a sheet and comforter had gotten wrapped up in it. Lindsey laughed as we passed each other in the aisle, and said, "Well, we managed to royally fuck this up!" Finally we found ourselves at the altar, but the person marrying us was saying the wrong stuff. Neither of us knew which finger to put the rings on. "We can change it later if it's wrong," I whispered. Then it was time to kiss, and we both looked at each other like, "This is going to be awkward." We finally managed a swift peck and then ran down the aisle with people throwing purple and red glitter and stars.

Then I essentially had the same dream with Michi instead of Lindsey.


theogeo said...

Hahaha! Well, we still might have to reserve this option if nothing else ever works out for us.

It's funny that my dad acted like that. Because he totally would.

And if I ever get married I am totally wearing a brown and pink getup. Was it a leisure suit? Niiiice.

Anonymous said...

Tee-hee! I don't know, it was on a hanger. I get a sense there might have been a skirt involved. But a leisure suit would have been way cooler.

john h said...

Did either of you register at Target at any point during this dream..I'd feel really bad if I didn't give you two a little something

theogeo said...

John, if you could find some more red appliances to fill out Tamara's budding collection, that would be awesome.

Anonymous said...

I'd say coffeemaker, but Lindsey doesn't drink coffee, so get us a red cheese service.