2.09.2007

The Titty Chomping Christian

I'm at this genteel Southern bar, where the womenfolk wear billowy dresses that barely cover their powered ankles. And I'm sitting at this old-timey bar, downing a bottle of Scotch and watching the new Dresden Dolls video on my video iPod.

The dark cabaret lead singer of the Dolls, Amanda Palmer has decided to make a music video documenting her female-to-male sexual reassignment surgery.

And as I'm showing this video to high school classmate Katherine Heirs and New York cable access iconoclast Barry Z, I notice a haggard-looking country-and-western performer out of the corner of my eye.

She's singing parody songs, but with racially charged titles such as "Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Niggers."

Now as a pot-smoking Christian homosexual, I'm offended by this epithet, so I begin heckling the performer.

"You need to find Jesus in your life, honey," I tell her. But the haggard-looking country-and-western performer shoulders on. She's undeterred.

"Old niggers, children and watermelon wine," she sings.

I can't believe my faith-based heckling isn't getting anywhere. So I do what any rational pot-smoking Christian homosexual does in these situations: I decide to bite the bitch.

I chomp down on a tuft of her left titty, and the country-and-western performer lets out an ungodly shriek.

"I'm taking it to the street, bitch," I tell her between titty chomps.

The incident later shows up on YouTube, of course, where I receive minor fame as "the titty-chomping Christian."

2 comments:

theogeo said...

You're like some kind of larger-than-life, vulgar, sex-charged superhero in your dreams.

Glad to see you can post again!

palm tree said...

Whether you're telling someone "I'll eat any cheese I goddamn well please," or, "I'm taking it to the street, bitch!" you kick some major ass in your dreams. :)